If I Were A Lazy Human
by Corn Maidens
Summary: Hiei will not get off this couch. What...will...they...do...?
1. Lazy Sonnuva !

If I Were A Lazy Human—by eddie and the kit (we wish we could say it was narrated by Hiei Jaganshi…but, we can't)  
"We're so evil sometimes," quote from 2 minutes before posting this—evil laughter

* * *

"When is shrimpy going to get off that couch?" 

"I heard that comment you oaf!"

"Ya know it's fair Hiei, when ya've been on that couch for about four weeks!"

"Actually Yusuke, it's been three weeks and five days."

"Three weeks, four weeks, it's all the same Kurama."

"No, there is a difference."

"What difference? Two days?"

"Shut up! I'm watching my show!"

"You call them all your show shrimpy! You need to get off that couch sometime and pay us back for all that food!"

"I don't owe you anything fool! Now shut your big mouth for once!"

"Hey, shrimpy! Careful of what you call me!"

"What are you going to do? Use that Spirit Twig of yours?"

"It's not a twig, it's a sword!"

"A big oaf as you has no idea on the concept of how to use a sword, therefore it's a twig! Come on Lucy! Dump the guy! He's a complete waste and a stupid human anyway! Come on, dump him! I want to see his face! He's cheating on you for the god's sake!"

The group sweat dropped from Hiei's words. Kurama held Kuwabara back not to attack the fire demon sitting on the couch. Hiei had been watching the television set, living on the couch, and eating what he bullied others to get for him for the past month nearly.

"That runt is going to get it." Kuwabara said angrily looking at the runt from the doorway of a nearby room.

"We've got to run him down from King of the Mountain," Yusuke said, hitting a fist against his palm.

"King of the Couch more like it Yusuke," Kurama said.

"No difference. He's acting like fricken royalty and we need to get him off of his throne," Yusuke said, glancing over inside the room Hiei was in.

"Either one," Kurama said, "we need to get him up from the couch. Now here is my idea."

The group leaned down and listened to the whispered plan.

* * *

The group reentered the room with a few plans in mind, some they'll just make up on the way. Kurama walked in front of the television set, hands behind his back. "Hello Hiei." 

Hiei glared at Kurama who was blocking his view of the tv, "Do you have a death wish, fox?"

Kurama nods yes. "It gets tiring being alive for sooooooooooo looooooooooooong."

Hiei blinked up at Kurama, "uh, what did you say?"

Kurama sighed, "That's right. Its too tiring to stay alive this long," Kurama extends his hands as far apart as possible. Behind Hiei we can see Yusuke and Kuwabara sneaking up on the couch military style with even the walkie talkies.

Kurama pointedly at Hiei, "It'd be nice if I had friend to end it for me."

Hiei was barely paying attention to the tv now. He blinked again at Kurama and then asked, "Are you on drugs fox?"

Kurama shook his head no. Hiei looked puzzled at Kurama more, "I swear you're on drugs again."

"Again? I've never taken drugs Hiei. Its just I don't want to live anymore."

Hiei continues starring at him and then nods to himself, "Yep, you're on drugs. Now move away from the television set Kurama."

Yusuke and Kuwabara were now on each side of the couch, nodded to each other and picked it up into the air. Hiei turned around to face the oaf, "What do you think you're doing oaf?"

"Look who's talking shrimpy!" Kuwabara forgot he was still holding up one end of the couch and dropped it as he yelled at Hiei.

"OW! KUWABARA, YOU IDIOT! DROP THE COUCH ON MY FOOT, WHY DON'T YA?" Yusuke mutters under his breath, "Holy cheese on rye. God Hiei, how much do ya weigh?"

"None of your business detective!" Hiei yells at the other side of the couch.

Yusuke picks up his walkie talkie from his belt and presses the button for him to talk into it, "Kurama, plan A didn't work."

Kurama looks over at Yusuke and says seriously, "Obviously."

Hiei looks at the bunch of them and tells the fox, "Stupid plan fox. Didn't work. Now move. I gotta watch Rush Hour. It's on in two minutes."

Kurama moves one of hands and grins smugly at Hiei, pulling out something that he had placed on top the TV earlier. Hiei's eyes widened. "NO! GIVE THOSE BACK FOX! NO ONE GAVE YOU THE PERMISSION TO STEAL MY LEMON DROPS!"

Kurama waves them in front of Hiei's face, just out of his reach. Hiei clawed the air above him, trying to reach the precious lemon drops.

"I'll give them back if you get off the couch," Kurama bargained.

Hiei's glare narrowed, "Is this part of your suicidal plan?"

Kurama's eyes wandered up toward the ceiling and answered, "Yes?"

"Fine," Hiei said almost gleefully, "You die, now."

Hiei reaches down to his sheath and pulls out….a fork? "Damn," he muttered and reached for his sheath again, this time pulling out…his sword. (eddie-What did ya think? A plastic spoon?)

Kurama backs up with his hands in the air, "Uh…I wasn't serious…it was just a ruse to get you off the couch."

"Hn. Figures."

Hiei turns his attention back to the television and reaches out for the table next to him, failing to find what the hand was looking for. He looked up. "Hey," he said slowly, "Kurama, you still have MY lemon drops!"

Kurama reached into the bag, "What? These?" And he popped one into his mouth.

Hiei's eyes widened in devastation, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Mmmmm. These taste delicious."

"Kur-ram-a!" Hiei yelled at the fox still clawing at the air for them, not willing to get off the couch to get them.

Yusuke and Kuwabara stood behind the couch, not even two feet away from each other, looking mightily confused over the lemon drop deal. Kuwabara lifted up his walkie talkie, "Urameshi, what's with shrimpy and those lemon droppy things?" Yusuke lifts his walkie talkie as well, "Dunno. Kurama mentioned them being a weak spot?" The two shrugged at each other.

Hiei continued reaching, "GIVE…THEM…BACK!"

"Yusuke, Kuwabara," Kurama addresses them and the two look over at the red head. "Would you two like a lemon drop?"

"NO! KEEP THOSE AWAY FROM THE OAF! HE'S TOO STUPID TO HAVE THEM!"

"Not stupid enough to know when to stop watching TV, even **_I_** know when to do that," Yusuke said. "Toss one over Kurama."

Kurama picked one out of the bag and tossed it over the couch, causing it to sail over Hiei's head. Hiei grinned and flung his hand up into the air to catch the lemon drop, then frowned as he looked at it. "This is just a yellow piece of paper," he said confused.(kit-sly fox, ain't he?)

Kurama tossed the whole bag high over Hiei's head, far from the fire demon's reach and Yusuke caught it. "Alright! Let's see what these things taste like!" Kuwabara nods eagerly and the two start digging through the bag, trying to get more lemon drops than the other. Hiei went in shock as the _human _hands touched nearly every lemon drop, all disappearing as they stuffed them in their mouths, trying to out due the other.

"GET YOUR FILTHY HANDS OFF OF THEM!" Hiei jumped off the couch and took after the two humans, cheeks bulging, as they ran away.

As the trio disappeared from view, Kurama blinked at them and spoke up into his walkie talkie for the first time, "Well, that got him off the couch."

"awt the cousst ouaf whaet Kureama?" Yusuke shouted into the walkie talkie through his lemon drop filled mouth.

Kuwabara grabbed at his and yelled as well, "Yeeea, shurimpies guonna muerda uus!"

Kurama gave a weak smile at their running away from Hiei and started pushing the couch away from the television set.

* * *

Preveiw of next chapter- Hiei turned around and realized that Kurama was dragging the couch away. Forgetting about his lemon drops that were covered with human saliva anyway, Hiei dashed back to where the fox was moving the couch.

* * *

For all you stupid people whom couldn't figure these out 

"awt the cousst ouaf whaet Kureama?"—At the cost of what Kurama?

"Yeeea, shurimpies guonna muerda uus!"—Yeah, shrimpys gunna murder us!

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Greetings to all our new reviewers, actually, you'll be our first reviewers. hee hee eddie and the kit welcome you to our crazed up world. take bows 


	2. Death of One, Shuichi Minamino

If I Were A Lazy Human—by eddie and the kit (hey, we got our own lemon drops now)  
"Call us crazy."- quote here... "Yes, do. We insist."

* * *

Hiei turned around and realized that Kurama was dragging the couch away. Forgetting about his lemon drops that were covered with human saliva anyway, Hiei dashed back to where the fox was moving the couch. 

Hiei stands in front of the couch, pushing it back in the direction it came from. Hiei pushed from one side, Kurama from the other. Kurama gave the fire demon an innocent smile and let go of the couch, stepping carefully aside. Hiei's eyes got really wide and fell face forward with an 'umph!' as the couch slide forward all the way across the room. With a devastating crash, it broke the television set.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE TV!"

Tears rolled down his face, and then he turned from his spot on the floor abruptly and threw a black boot at Kurama's head. Kurama's eyes widened as the boot hit him in the forehead. –Face Vault- Standing back up he starred at Hiei, who was still sulking cross legged on the floor, "You…you…you threw a…boot…at me?"

"Darn right I did," Hiei still had his arms crossed, pouting.

Kurama blinked at Hiei, rubbing his forehead. "May I enquire…why?"

"Kuuraema! Aoren't youe guenna toakee caere o' shriempie be'ind uus?" Kuwabara's voice ran out from the walkie talkie Kurama still held.

"Shut up Kuwabara!" Yusuke's voice intrupted and Kurama could hear a smack on the other side of the walkie talkie. "Hiei is no longer behind us. Kurama, is his royal ass back on that stupid couch playing King of the Mountian?"

Kurama sweat dropped as he still looked to Hiei for an answer. Picking up the walkie talkie he spoke, "No...but your television set is no longer in exsietence."

"No," came a far away voice from Hiei's mouth. "You killed the television..."

Kurama stopped Yusuke's half-finished scream of WHAT! "I'll get back to you. I believe my own life will be in danger when Hiei clicks his brain back up in gear."

Hiei continued starring where the broken television set lay beside the couch. "No...not the television... You killed it... Kurama! You'll pay for this!"

"Now Hiei," Kurama stuck both hands into the air to show surrender to the gleaming look in Hiei's eyes. He took a catious step backwards. "Let's think about this rationally..."

"Rationally? YOU KILLED THE TELEVISION AND YOU ARE GOING TO PAY!" Hiei blurred out of Kurama's sight.

Kurama tensed, green eyes frantically searching around him for Hiei's attack before he relaxed. He turned confused as he looked about the room, blinking in the utter confussion. "Where'd he go?"

The noise coming from his hand finally caught his attention. "-LET THE CRAZED KING OF THE STUPID MOUNTAIN BREAK THE TV! YOU CAN'T BE THAT STUPID KURAMA! MY MA'S GOING TO FRY ME ALIVE! I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BUY A NEW ONE INSTEAD OF USING THAT MONEY FOR THAT RIN--"

"Yusuke?"

"OH, SO ARE YOU GOING TO FINALLY ANSWER ME?"

"Urameshi, put a cork in it! Your tv sucks compared to mine!"

"OH YEAH?"

Kurama sighed, turning the knob for volume on the walkie talkie all the way down so he didn't have to hear arguing voices emitting from the small metal box held in his hand. "Now," he pondered out loud, "where **did** Hiei go?"

So Kurama spent hours upon hours upon hours upon hours...four hours in total, searching for Hiei in various places such as the many parks in the city. Finally, as all searches must do, it came to an end. He gave up, shrugging Hiei's threat off as he headed home. And he dead stopped the second he opened the door. "**H-IEI!**" Kurama took a step onto the white powdered floor, his foot leaving an imprint upon the carpet. "My god," he muttered at the place with wide eyes. "Mother is going to kill me..."

* * *

Preview of next chapter- Hiei looks up from watching the television on Kurama's couch. "'ey 'urama. Wanna donut?"

* * *

For the more stupid people once more  
"Kuuraema! Aoren't youe guenna toakee caere o' shriempie be'ind uus?" -- "Kurama! Aren't you gunna take care of shrimpy behind us?"

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Hullo to all reviewers! (eddie just finished a british book, yes) we are still alive but have not really updated... oppsies. our bad. enjoy the new year though. click review button! ...NOW! 


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